My Healing Journey

Hello friends and family, 

As many of you may know, I have been on a healing journey for several years now. I originally wrote this for myself, but then I figured I would share my experience so far in case any of you find it helpful. It is quite long, so no pressure to read this, but it's here if it interests you. I won't be offended if you think I am crazy. Maybe I am crazy but I am happier than ever! Peace and Love, Rachel <3

My healing journey started back in 2020. I was going out almost every night, hated being alone, drank way too much, was constantly hungover, ate whatever I wanted to, and I rarely worked out. I had zero desire to be healthy, eat healthy, act healthy, nor did I care about pretty much anything else besides drinking and getting attention from boys to boost my ego. I remember watching a video that Robert Rausch created (yes, the cute snake guy from the show Love Island). Before he blew up and got famous, he created artsy videos online about life. One of them really spoke to me. At the end of the video, it asked "Are you who you want to be?" and it was then and there that I realized that I in fact was not who I wanted to be and that I didn't really love myself. This was a harsh but necessary realization. Fun fact I even sent Robert a DM back in 2020 thanking him for helping me reroute my life. Of course he never responded.

Anyway, this marked the start of my journey. At this point in my life, my major symptoms were anxiety, depression, chronic digestive issues, chronic fatigue, and cystic acne. The cystic acne caused extreme damage to my self esteem and made me depressed. I would not want to ever leave my house (unless alcohol was involved), and I would dream of the days I could go out into the world feeling confident with no makeup on. In 2019, I had gone to the dermatologist like everyone always recommends when you have a skin condition, and they prescribed me a long term (6 months) dosage of doxycycline. This is a strong antibiotic that destroys your gut microbiome. Although this temporarily improved my acne, it created a whole slew of new symptoms, and my skin went right back to where it was after stopping the antibiotics. Still new to all this, I thought that my next best bet to heal was to go on Accutane. I went back to the dermatologist, jumped through all the hoops to be allowed to take it (you have to prove you're on two forms of birth control, take multiple pregnancy tests, fill out questionnaires, etc.) just to finally get to the pharmacy where they told me that due to my insurance, the Accutane would cost me $600 every 2 weeks. I remember sobbing my eyes out in the car that night leaving the pharmacy. In that moment, I truly felt I would never heal, never feel beautiful, never be worthy of love. I was essentially at rock bottom. 

Shortly after this, I discovered the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza. He is a quantum physicist who studies the atomic nature of the universe and energy. He helped me to realize that I was the only one who could save me. He taught me that we are all energy and that we all choose our reality, consciously or unconsciously. By changing our mindset, we can biologically change how we perceive the world and who we are, down to our DNA. I realized that anything is possible, truly and that I can heal from this internal pain that I have felt for all of my life. I started listening to my body. I began to get curious on how to eat healthier, how to be healthier. I stumbled upon a program called IIN - the Institute for Integrative Nutrition where I could train to become a holistic health coach, and also learn how to heal myself. I decided to take the course on a whim, with no real plan, and do the classes when I had time on top of my sales job. 

The course was life changing to say the least. It brought me back to basics. It taught me about the fundamentals of nutrition for one - we need to be eating whole foods, of the highest quality, avoid added sugars, processed foods and artificial ingredients. This I'm sure you already know. And yes, diet and exercise are important, but there's a whole multitude of other things that can greatly affect your health - your career, relationships, spirituality, education, creativity, social life, etc. The number one thing the course taught me was to listen to my intuition and embrace my individuality. There are hundreds of different diets that exist and one diet does not work for everyone. This is a concept called bio-individuality. Every person has a different combination of ways they like to learn, things they want to learn, things they want to create, ways they like to exercise, how they like to be social. The list goes on and on. Knowing yourself is the journey and from here I made that my mission. To know myself is to heal myself. 

In the course I learned a lot about gut health and how much of the rest of your body can be affected by the gut. I decided to start there and go to an alternative medicine practitioner to help me determine what was going on in there. After numerous tests costing thousands of dollars not covered by insurance, it was determined that I had something called 'Leaky Gut'. This is a disease not widely recognized in western medicine, yet pretty much everyone has it to some degree. Basically, when we eat things that are difficult to digest, such as gluten, it creates micro tears in our gut lining. Our gut is strong and heals quickly. But over time, that scar tissue that keeps having to heal over and over becomes weaker, and the tears become larger/more permanent. Then when we eat foods, even foods that aren't necessarily difficult to digest, larger than normal particles can leak into the bloodstream that haven't fully broken down. The body then doesn't recognize these particles and attacks them as foreigners in an autoimmune response. So almost anything and everything you eat will irritate your body and cause side effects such as gas, bloating, loose stools, constipation, fatigue, mood swings, etc. This is why leaky gut can be so difficult to diagnose.

So what now? Leaky gut can also be very difficult to heal. The doctor put me on a whole slew of supplements (she was also treating me for mold poisoning and several deficient vitamin levels) and she put me on a VERY strict diet. I could only eat grass fed beef, a short list of organic vegetables (broccoli, brussel sprouts, boiled sweet potatoes with the skin removed, and a few others), olive oil and coconut milk for calories. No nuts, seeds, seasonings, grains of any kind, sugars, etc. This diet sent me into a downward spiral of stress - it was completely impossible for me to maintain this diet without fully being a hermit. As you probably know I am a social being and I also had to travel constantly for work, so this made me miserably stressed out. It felt like a complete failure with all the money spent on tests and supplements with zero results. I remember thinking to myself... Is this doctor really treating the problem? Why do I have these gut imbalances and mineral deficiencies in the first place... what is the actual source of this imbalance? So I stopped the supplements, stopped the diet and decided to dig deeper.

I started to learn about stress and its effect on the body. Contrary to popular belief, I learned that stress on the body is actually a good thing, in moderation. Think of stress like lifting a weight - you're putting stress on a specific muscle, causing micro tears that in turn cause it to rebuild stronger than before. We should not be afraid of stress! Stress becomes an issue for so many of us because we don't manage and release it. Picture two dogs play fighting, their hair is raised on their backs, their fight or flight response fully engaged. What do they do once they are done playing? They shake! Dogs have an automatic, instinctual stress release response that humans don't have. That is why it is so important for us to find movement that we enjoy. When we don't release this stress, over time it becomes chronic inflammation in the body, and chronic inflammation is the root cause of disease, whether it be cancer, autoimmune or psychological. 

Today's technology has created such a stressful society. We are constantly comparing ourselves to others on social media, being bombarded by bad news on our apple watches, and being pushed to our limits with ever increasing demands to meet deadlines at work. We are all living in states of high stress and our nervous systems are showing that. For those of us with overloaded nervous systems, finding the time and energy to make ourselves work out or do self care can be extremely difficult. I am going on year 5 of this journey and I still struggle with consistency. But I want to remind others that doing something consistently, even if it's only 1 time per week, is a great start, and it will make a difference over time. It's okay to go slow and grow slow. We are all on different timelines and we have to remember that we are a part of nature too. Nature is never rushed, yet it still accomplishes everything it needs to each season. As you become more consistent, you become more disciplined. On my journey to self love, I have realized that discipline is the highest form of self love. Discipline is when you are able to stay on track with your daily goals even when you don't feel like it, because you love and owe it to yourself that much. You are choosing to become the best, highest version of yourself over all other distractions. Truly finding love for myself has been the single most important part of my journey so far, leading to profound growth.

By reducing the stressors in my life, I am able to be more truly present in the moment. This is a difficult task and is still an everyday, ongoing practice. To be truly present means to be focused on the present sensations you are feeling, seeing, tasting, smelling or hearing. Nothing else. Not ruminating on what happened in the past or worrying about what may happen in the future. The more we can bring ourselves back to these 5 senses the more we will be able to notice and enjoy the little things in life, which are really what matters most. I believe that technology also takes away from our abilities to be present. How often do you spend time with your spouse or friends without being glued to your phone? What about sitting in a waiting room? What are you missing out on in real life when you're trapped in the addiction of the metaverse? 

As I continued to learn and ponder about stuck stress in the body, I learned about other emotions too. What else have I been holding onto? That grudge from someone who wronged me in highschool... is it really serving me positively to hold onto that? My body will hold that blockage forever until I choose to notice it, feel it, and let it go. What about shame? Shame for who I used to be, how I used to act, past decisions I have made. What if I only realized that version of me was doing the best she could at the time and simply sent her some love and moved on? What about anger that you feel towards your life or towards others... What if you just directed that energy toward a punching bag or pillow or screamed in your car? Wouldn't it feel good to let that go? What would happen if I continued to enter these dark parts of myself and bring them to the light? As I continued learning more about energy and how it gets stuck in the body, I learned more on all the different techniques to release it. There are many ways to do this. I have already mentioned a few above, but there's also things like journaling, breathwork, meditation, acupuncture, etc. I have tried and am still trying many different techniques to find what works best for me. It's a journey! 

The premise remains that you want to bring these stuck energies to the surface, feel them for as long as you need to, and then let that energy go down into the earth where it can be alchemized by mother nature. Having a grounding practice can be helpful here. I like to be barefoot on the earth and picture a cord rooting down from my feet into the center of the earth's core. I picture positive, healing energy coming through the top of my head, and then any energy I want to release going down the cord into the earth. I then like to imagine a protective bubble all around me, keeping good energy in and bad energy out. This can be especially helpful when your job or life requires you to be around low vibrational, negative individuals. Their energy can rub off onto you so you want to be aware of that and protect yourself as much as possible. 

The healing journey is not linear - each day is not always better than the previous. Feeling these pent up emotions can be painful and take time - it hurts your ego when you realize how you were acting in a certain negative way unconsciously. But once you realize it, things do get better and they will keep getting better as you continue along your path. The most important thing you can do along the way is find gratitude. Another energetic concept I learned about the law of attraction. It states that 'that which you focus on becomes your reality.' The more you can focus on gratitude and abundance, the more blessings that will come to you. When we focus on our stressors, more stress will come our way. Even on the days you feel stuck, lonely, or unmotivated, at the very least you have your body to be grateful for. Eyes that can see. Legs that can walk. A tongue that can taste. When was the last time you took a moment to give your digestive system some love? Or your liver? It is working 24/7 for you to remove toxins and keep your body functioning, yet the mind rarely gives it a moment of thought. The more your mind and body can become best friends, the easier healing comes. They are a partnership. Some days the mind needs rest, some days the body needs rest. Some days the body needs movement, even when the mind doesn't feel like it. It's a partnership. A balancing act. 

Everything in life is pretty much a balancing act. A balance of work and play, solitude and socializing, discipline and freedom, stillness and movement. A lot of these balances can come through setting boundaries. Where do you draw the line? Is the line even drawn? Are you constantly putting work first and not making time for fun? Or maybe you are always putting certain relationships first - putting the needs of others before your own. As I continued along my healing journey, I became aware of relationships that were no longer serving me. Some people aren't meant to be in your life forever - they are only meant to be with the unhealed, outdated version of you. People are either holding you back or propelling you forward, there is no in between. You may start to outgrow more than just relationships, too. You'll outgrow old patterns, self-loathing thoughts, gossiping, and perhaps drinking alcohol. This can be a painful time on the journey and you may feel isolated like I have. 

This is where spirituality can become extremely helpful. Knowing that I am a part of something bigger, that I am connected to everything and everyone and that I have a purpose here on Earth has saved me on the darkest of days. And it is totally okay to not know exactly what that purpose is yet, especially while still on this healing journey. We cannot begin to serve others until we first serve ourselves. As I continued to learn more about the energetic nature of our planet and universe, I learned about quantum entanglement. This concept basically proves that on the atomic level, everything and everyone is interconnected in some way. Because of this, if you do some kindness, either for yourself or for another, this will create a ripple effect. The more we can send positivity into this world, even if it's just by being our true, authentic self, the more healing will occur across the globe and beyond. It sounds crazy, but think about what one simple friendly smile could do for someone who really needed it. Imagine a life where you were healed and it became your mission to be a light and to serve others by helping them see their light. This is my reality now. And it can be yours too, if you are willing to look at the dark parts of yourself and put in the work. As I have mentioned, most pain in the body is caused by physical and/or emotional trauma, and it can be brought to light! And it isn't too late. You are not too old, too sick, too set in your ways. Anyone has the power to change their mind, and in turn change their life. 

As the healing journey continues on (it never ends by the way), many people begin to have a much stronger sense of intuition. They start to notice slight psychic gifts or powers. We all have psychic abilities, but many times we cannot sense them until we unblock and heal those stuck energies. These could be a type of clairvoyance, meaning you can see into the future, or it could be retrocognition, where you can see the past, or you could have an ability to see certain situations where you were not present. Or you may be able to communicate or receive messages from those beyond the veil. These can show up through visions or hearing or just simply an inner knowing. Only you will know your true gifts and their uniqueness once you hone your skills of connecting with your intuition and spirit guides. I am still working on my unique gifts, but I know they are in the realm of healing others. For many people, they experienced their gifts when they were a child, but then lost them over the years. It is always possible to get them back with healing and practice. 

Another point I want to make about stored energy blockages is that they may not all be from your current life's traumas or emotions. We can carry emotions into this life from our parents, our ancestors, and even our past lives. Everyone's journey is different and we shouldn't compare our struggles (or anything for that matter) to anyone else's. We also can have traumas from when we were a baby that we don't remember consciously, but the body remembers. I recently started seeing a new chiropractor who does a different type of practice called Network Spinal at Ivy Energetic Studio in Mt. Pleasant, SC. (Side note: this changed my life so much that now I work for them as their Director of Growth!) This is a gentle form of lightly tapping/touching the spinal cord at the root of the nervous system to unblock the source of any stuck energy and rewire any lost connections. It has been a very interesting and magical experience for me so far. I have had tightness and chronic pain in my upper neck area since I can remember. During my pre consultation, my doctor (now boss) asked me what my birth was like. Obviously I don't remember, but I know from my parents that my umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck and I was born blue and unable to breathe. I was literally brought into this world feeling unsafe and constricted and my body has been holding on to that for 30 years! Through her network spinal techniques, she was able to release some of this energy in my upper neck and I had an intense, emotional reaction. I can't put into words what exactly I was feeling,  but I know it felt good to let go of it. I have had very similar experiences through different healing techniques like Reiki, yoga, and acupuncture. 

I will continue to try new techniques and heal, while also learning how to be a healer myself. I am currently receiving certifications for 3 different types of energetic healing. I am excited for the unknown that lies ahead! For now, being myself is enough and helping anyone who is in need with kindness. I encourage anyone who is still reading this to keep going on your journey - you are not alone! Please reach out to me if I can help in any way. Thank you for being a part of my life.  All my love.

Rachel